_{junkyardteen.}

_{it’s not that she doesn’t miss her parents.    she does.    but she doesn’t feel  guilty  for leaving them.    they don’t get it and she doesn’t expect them to,  but she wishes they’d stop  calling.    doesn’t want to hear her mother’s broken sobs in the background when her father is begging her to not hang up.    doesn’t want yet another  reiteration  of a promise she’s heard a thousand times.    doesn’t want to be cruel but feels like she’s left without much choice.}

_{her house isn’t a home and it hasn’t been for a long time but that isn’t the reason she’s out on the streets.    (    mother and father kept up appearances.    the picture perfect family with the exception of a runaway kid.    she wonders if they’re still telling people that their rachel is gone to  boarding school  out of state.    if they’ve made a shrine out of her bedroom in remembrance for the girl she  used  to be while pretending that who she  is,  doesn’t exist.    )    she ran because she didn’t belong.    because she felt displaced and out of sorts and  rejected,  bullied.}

_{because she had it figured out that some people didn’t need four walls and a roof over their head to be  happy  with their lives.    it’s a struggle every day,  but she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.    this is who she is.    isn’t going to let anyone,  least of all the courts,  invalidate  that.}

_{nods in agreement,  hands shoved in denim pockets.    feels a little better knowing he isn’t throwing her to the wolves just yet.    ❛     you ain’t gotta do this  ––  throw your fuckin’ life away for another  two years.    you don’t owe me shit.     ❜}

_{‘     it ain’t like that.    all i gotta do is sign a few papers,   talk to a judge    —    look,   it’s better than lettin’ some … social worker or whoever decide where you end up,   you know,   least this way you got  some  control.     ’}

_{there’s still a chance that the whole process could be dragged out.    weeks,   maybe months,   with multiple hearings,   paperwork,   interviews ;   assuming  both  of her parents agree to it in the first place.    once the initial petition is filed,   the court assigns someone impartial to investigate    —    a  guardian ad litem,   someone to verify that granting him custody is in bullet’s best interest.}

_{caroline talked shop,   sometimes.    he could absorb information like osmosis if he listened.    he knows a hearing isn’t the same as a trial,   no witnesses,   no  grand jury,   but lawyers always have a habit of airing dirty laundry.    that’s why people are  prepped  before they walk into a courtroom.}

_{he tips his head back,   levels out a long,   heavy sigh that seems to come  all the way  up from the ground beneath his feet.    palms his chin,   unshaven,   and reaches to pull out a cigarette he doesn’t light.}

_{then,   the ghost of a smile.}

_{‘     besides,   who says i’m throwin’ it away,   huh ?    ‘bout  time  i started lookin’ for an upgrade,   see,   ‘cause i was thinkin’    —    what,   like,   two bedrooms,   two bathrooms,   eat - in kitchen,   maybe a balcony.    gotta cut back on all that  indoor smoking,   yo,   for real.    whole place smells like a damn ashtray.     ’}

_{junkyardteen.}

_{she’s  been  to juvie.    one month felt more like twelve with around-the-clock supervision and officers on standby,  telling you what to do and when to do it,  where to eat your meals and what time you’re allowed to shit it back out.    privileges revoked just for having a voice,  privacy  invaded.    and forget about comfort.    nobody gives a damn about your bad back or headaches or period cramps.    nobody gives a damn about your  personal boundaries,  either.}

_{imagines a group home to be similar.    too many kids,  all in one place.    too many rules and too many  adults  abusing their authority over the troubled youth.    for what ?    the sole purpose of making your life miserable ?    as if it wasn’t already.    knowing  bullet,  she’ll just dig her heels in and make it worse.    violate the terms of her probation and get sent back to juvenile detention.}

_{providing they ever find her.    the kid’s resourceful.    knows how to  disappear  if she wants to.    needs  to.}

_{❛     ain’t goin’ back home.     ❜     stated clearly,  without a shred of hesitation.    he tells her not to make that decision right now but she does it anyway,  only to  backpedal  and give it second thought.    most  of what we got.    indicating that there  will  be  change.    but it’s better than being buried in the system until she’s eighteen,  isn’t it ?}

_{❛     i wanna do my own  thing.    like i’ve  been  doin’ for three years.    don’t want nobody makin’ me go to doctors appointments or takin’ me to the  dentist.    don’t want no stupid - ass  curfews  or …  whatever the hell else.     ❜}

_{he’s never been to juvie,   but there were more than a few close calls in the past.    close enough that liz had to tear him a new one.    a handful of overnight arrests,   run - ins with truant officers    —    he never made things easy.    never tried to lay all the blame on some  sob story,   either,   despite the option being readily available :   dad split,   mom gone half the time.    he sauntered through adolescence with a cigarette in his mouth and a chip on his shoulder ;   upwards of twenty years ago now,   and  hindsight  never did him any good.}

_{there isn’t a profound  life lesson  he’s trying to teach,   here,   not that he figures she’d be all that receptive to one if he were.    but so much has been taken out of her hands lately,   things as basic and fundamental as the freedom of  choice,   that he wants to give back what little he can.    this is  her  life.    these are her decisions to make,   not his,   not the court system’s    —}

_{‘     hey,   nobody’s sendin’ you back home if that ain’t where you wanna be.     ’}

_{it’ll be tough to sell that to a judge,   he knows :   unlike a lot of kids in her position,   she has two loving parents who would willingly take her back.    (   she ran.    and there’s a  reason  she ran,   and no one gets to tell her it wasn’t valid.    she’ll run again.    he doesn’t want to see her  disappear.   )}

_{‘     let’s just take it one step at a time.    hear what these fools gotta say on friday,   ‘n go from there.    i got your back,   alright ?    whatever happens,   we’re gonna figure this shit out.     ’}

_{junkyardteen.}

_{she doesn’t ask  ‘ what’s an affidavit ’  because she thinks it must be just common knowledge.    has a general  idea  but nothing concrete,  nothing  definitive,  which says a lot about the  extent  of her understanding.    weight shifts from foot to foot,  a sharp breath drawn through the nose as her gaze dips and then rises.    of  course  they’re going to make it as difficult as possible to earn your freedom.}

_{why wouldn’t they ?}

_{❛     what the hell are you  talkin’  about ?    what kinda alternatives ?     ❜}

_{before  beacon home  was shut down,  runaways were discovering new options.    emancipation and housing with a small deposit of two - hundred dollars    (    which seemed like a fortune to kids who sold their own  asses  for fifteen bucks per date.    )    bullet never entertained them because she was content to be on the streets.    her probation officer stressed the importance of short and long term goals,  but all of that was just  noise  to a fifteen year old who enjoyed the day by day challenge.}

_{the kind she probably won’t like,   because  none of them  offer an immediate way out.    linden is more equipped to have this conversation,   if he’s being honest with himself :   she knows the system from years of firsthand experience.    she’s been where bullet is.    holder,   who always managed to dodge CPS and the DCSS by a hairsbreadth    (   he has his sister to thank for that   )    is at a disadvantage.    but he knows what’ll happen if she runs,   now that she’s on the radar.}

_{juvie.    foster care.    rinse,   repeat.}

_{‘     look,   just    —    hear me out,   alright ?     ’}

_{a twitch of his shoulders,   weight shifting,   he can never quite  master the art  of standing still.}

_{‘     you got like,   two years left ‘til you’re clear of this circus.    but until  then,   somebody else’s gotta take responsibility    —    even if it’s just on paper,   you know,   give ‘em somethin’ to show a judge.    now,   i can do that,   if mom ‘n pops ain’t at the top of your list,   and most of what we got goin’ won’t change.    but the ball’s in your court,   li’l man.    don’t be makin’ any big decisions yet,   just,   uh    —    give it some thought,   is all.     ’}

_{junkyardteen.}

_{maybe she has,  maybe she  hasn’t.    maybe they’ll place her and maybe they won’t.    maybe he can  sway  the court to rule in her  personal interest,  but maybe he can’t,  and the gravity of being in a situation where she has no  control  is a ten - ton weight crushing her chest.}

_{she doesn’t know  what  to think,  because one of the last times she had faith in him,  she was found brushing death in the trunk of a car.    and pieces of her still  resent  him for that.    pieces that are bitter and angry and raw.    pieces that she’s  plugged in  to make herself whole again and she can’t risk abandoning that.}

_{it shouldn’t come as a surprise that bullet has maintained a careful distance from the prospect of  trust.    not just with him,  but with  anyone.    (    every time someone thinks they made headway,  there’s another minefield to cross.    )}

_{the toe of a boot scuffs the ground,  rolling a piece of gravel underfoot.    she takes one last pull,  flicking the cigarette between thumb and middle finger into the street.}

_{❛     think we can file for emancipation or whatever ?     ❜}

_{‘     i think it’s a little more complicated than just fillin’ out a form.    you gotta file a petition,   sign an affidavit,   go to court    —    and they look into  everything,   i mean,   you gotta have  all  your shit handled.    gotta be financially stable,   goin’ to school,   blah,   blah.    plus,   they’re gonna want you t’  prove  it’s your only option.    like,   you know    —    like by  not  granting emancipation,   you’d be put in harm’s way ‘n whatnot.    probably get’cha for fraud if you lie about it.     ’}

_{he can see the appeal,   in theory,   but nothing is ever so simple.    she’s turning sixteen in a couple of weeks ;    two years after that and she’ll be a legal adult.    two years that might feel more like two  DECADES  from where she’s standing.    what she’s asking for is a quick fix,   a way to keep doing exactly what she’s doing with no one but herself to answer to,   and a  quick fix  doesn’t exist.    (   she still doesn’t trust him.    not completely.    he gets that,   too.    it won’t keep him from trying to earn back that trust,   no matter how long it takes.   )}

_{there’s no edge in his tone,   no subtext.    what you see is what you get.}

_{‘     yo,   if that’s what you really want,   i’ll sign what i gotta sign.    but,   uh,   now might be a good time to start lookin’ at the alternatives,   you feel me ?     ’}

_{junkyardteen.}

_{❛    good.    ‘cause i don’t got a suit.     ❜     humourless,  dry as the fucking  sahara.    breathes smoke into her lungs and tries not to imagine what  life  is going to be like on the inside.    (    group home is just another synonym for a three year  prison  sentence.    )}    

_{she doesn’t want her name to be spoken of in pity.    another kid picked up off the street.    forced to abandon the lifestyle and surrender the  freedom.    her  bones  don’t ache like they used to and her body bears  scars  in place of bruises and contusions,  but recovered means of sound mind and health.    nothing about her is sound.}

_{❛     bullshit.    you can’t  stall ‘em  forever.    soon as the doc  signs off  on it,  they’re gonna slam - dunk my ass in the system ‘n that’s gonna be it.     ❜     her chest tightens with a familiar swell of displaced  anger.     ❛     they can’t tell me what t’ fuckin’ do.    screw that !    ‘n screw them.    they think they’re doin’ the world some kinda service when they’re really jus’  ruining  our goddamn lives !     ❜}

_{‘     you really think i’d let ‘em do that ?    you ain’t done nothin’ illegal    —    nothin’ they need to  know  about.    i ain’t lettin’ these fools come up in my dojo with their spit - shined hush puppies try’na  lay down the law.    besides    —    doc’s actually gotta cross her i’s ‘n dot her t’s first.    nobody said we can’t still give ‘em hell.     ’}

_{and this isn’t just him making promises he won’t be able to keep :   he means what he says.    there are always loopholes.    he’d go as far as paying a visit to the DA’s office,   if it comes to that.    (   caroline doesn’t have to like him,   but she’s enough of a professional to know this isn’t  ABOUT  him.    this is about trying to do right by a kid who deserves better than what she’s got.   )}

_{he straightens up from where he’s been leaning against the car,   arms uncrossing to tuck his hands in his pockets and level her gaze.    no  shit  she’s angry.}

_{‘     you ain’t goin’ to no  group home.    i don’t care  what  CPS says.     ’}

_{junkyardteen.}

_{❛     wrap it ‘fore you  tap it,  playa.     ❜}

_{anxious to get that  nicotine  fix,  she seizes the pack and strikes it against the heel of her palm    (    once then twice,  three times    )    before peeling off the cellophane wrap.    can always tell by the  smell  if the cigarettes have been sitting on the shelves for too long.    these are fresh.}

_{pulls one out and fishes in her pockets for a light.    ignores the mention of  CPS  until her lungs are full of  smoke  and she’s feeling light.    airy on the buzz,  the rush of chemicals and toxins and whatever else is in these things.     ❛     you want me  dressed t’ the nines,  too ?    fuck.    i’m not gonna  forget.    think they’re  finally  gonna snatch my ass up ‘n put me in a group home ?     ❜}

_{she plays it off,  but the  last  thing bullet needs is to be uprooted from home    (    or rather,  the closest she has to one that isn’t just an old,  stained mattress in an abandoned building.    not ideal,  but it’s better than weathering the bitter cold this upcoming winter.    a lot better,  actually.    )}

_{‘     i don’t give a shit  how  you dress,   as long as you  show.     ’        he’s hedging,   because he doesn’t have an answer :   not with any real certainty.    when he signed on the dotted line,   the terms and conditions of guardianship were  TEMPORARY.    pending recovery,   blah,   blah.}

_{it really depends on your definition of recovery.}

_{but he wants to see her in a group home about as much as she wants to  be in  one    —    so he’ll fight it,   if he has to.    bend the rules.    work the system.    even if all that does is buy her a little more time.}

_{‘     look,   uh    —    if you wanna stick around,   we’ll stall ‘em,   alright ?    tell ‘em some sob story about bed - rest ‘n whatnot.    ain’t gonna let anybody  snatch your ass up,   don’t you worry ‘bout that.     ’}

_{junkyardteen.}

_{❛     yeah,  bet you  real  popular with them old  hags  in their forties who’re still sellin’ their shit for  crack.     ❜}

_{she  works him  because it’s  easy.    manipulating adults is a  cakewalk.    all you need is a bit of leverage or a good sob story.    she reaches out,  eagerly,  then scowls as the pack is  distanced  from her.    (    speaking of leverage.    )    arms fold across her chest,  chin raised.}

_{❛     dunno nothin’ ‘bout that.    probably not,  ‘cause it’s bad for  business,  yo !    unless that shit was premeditated or whatever.    her pimp could’a made her do it.    these low - rent punks might have  shit for brains,  but they know their girls’ll take the  fall  ‘cause they’re scared of what’ll happen to ‘em if they don’t.     ❜}

_{‘     mama dips is waitin’ on those  conjugal privileges.    don’t tell nobody.     ’}

_{speaking of old hags.    there’s a quick pause for effect ;   he shrugs,   nods,   flicking away his finished cigarette and watching it spark briefly against the pavement.}

_{‘     keep ‘em  scared,   keep ‘em controlled.    that ain’t nothin’ new.     ’       but it’s still something to consider.    he finally surrenders the pack,    with an addendum.       ‘     hey,   uh    —    don’t forget,   CPS is comin’ by first thing friday morning.    make sure i don’t got’cha chained to the radiator eatin’  bread crusts  or whatever.    and your ass  better  show up for this,   bullet.    clean ‘n sober.    you feel me ?     ’}

_{junkyardteen.}

_{❛     nah,  ‘cause you been keepin’ it  low key.    think i don’t know how the game  works,  homeboy ?    you ‘n that pedo ‘stache probably been up ‘n down the  block.     ❜}

_{enjoys the banter,  the  back and forth  consisting mostly of  gibing remarks  at his expense.    being free to mock and ridicule.    he knows how to take a joke on a good day and doesn’t even  threaten  her on the bad.}

_{she eyes the cigarette.    pauses,  watching the smoke unfurl and climb to the skies and disappear.     ❛     maybe.    ain’t seein’ what’s in it for me if i tell you though.     ❜     went through the  whole pack  of cigarettes he’d given her just two days prior.    she’s  hurting.    can’t you tell ?}

_{‘     oh,   snap !   only  block  i been up ‘n down’s the one i got all my options  linin’ up  on.     ’}

_{it’s an easy routine,   something they fell into the same day they met.    (   it’s a good thing.    means she isn’t  too far gone  yet.   )    he came prepared    —    knew she’d try to work him,   because she always does if given the chance,   and he pulls out an unopened pack of victories that he holds  just  out of reach.}

_{‘     since you  know how the game works,   how ‘bout you start talkin’.    ain’t got all day.     ’}

_{junkyardteen.}

_{❛     that’s  nasty,  yo !    you know how many diseases these bitches are carryin’ ‘round ?     ❜}

_{she doesn’t know either,  but  assumes  based on the stories on passed from street corner to street corner.    never pulled a date for  scratch  but knows people who have,  and it makes her heart sink like a stone.    fifteen,  sixteen,  and seventeen year old  kids  selling their bodies because they don’t have another choice.    destroying  their bodies.}

_{she knows he’s kidding.    doesn’t temper the harsh reality of living on the  streets  that some of these kids endure.}

_{‘     i know you ain’t seen me on my  lunch break  chasin’ tail down skid row.    the fuck i look like ?     ’}

_{don’t answer that.    of course he’s kidding ;   but if nothing else,   you won’t find him paying for  dates  from trick - turning teenage girls.    he’s arrested people for less.}

_{he ashes his cigarette,   leans back against the side of his car.       ‘     so in your,   uh,   infinite wisdom,   you ever hear ‘bout a working girl who offs a john like this ?    ‘cause even if it  was  one of them  escorts,    li’l mama’s gonna need some help movin’ that body.     ’}

_{junkyardteen.}

_{he doesn’t  have to,  because she would’ve been more than willing to break it down with a battering ram.    but she isn’t  looking  for a fight.    doesn’t imagine he’d entertain it even if she were.}

_{(    she heard about angie through the grapevine.    nothing is  sacred  on the streets.    your business is everyone’s business if the wrong person finds out about it,  and there’s a lot of kids  hoeing for attention  on skid row who mingle fact with fiction.    but the fact he didn’t  deny it  speaks volumes.    her gut cartwheels.    )}

_{❛     dunno.    maybe ?    ain’t gonna drop t’ my knees ‘n find out.    but if you wanna take a swing at it   –––   …     ❜}

_{funny she should bring that up ;   his little covert op at the wapi eagle casino had almost gone south in an uncomfortably  LITERAL  sense,   but he’d put the brakes on before anybody got caught with their pants down.    so it wouldn’t be the  first time  he wound up in a compromising position.    he takes a long drag of his cigarette,   amusement flickering briefly across his face.} 

_{‘     —    call that  takin’ one for the team,   li’l man.    you know how we do.     ’}